moving away

oh no, we aren't; but everyone else in my life is. you see, back in may, a week before mother's day and just after my pup was born, my mom went and moved herself down to san diego to help take care of my grandma. i was really devastated! my mom was the person i could go and see and talk to whatever about with out judgement and with love.

what was so upsetting about it is that for a very long time, she and i were not close. in fact, we didn't talk at all for a cold, hard year. back when i was a tween she had moved away and left my dad and it was really hard for me to understand and forgive her for. and since then i had resentment with her and we always butted heads. but about three years ago something happened {maybe i forgave her? maybe we both grew up?} and we became closer than we had ever been. so her leaving felt like she was leaving me; because i had never had that closeness with my mother before... it hurt even more.

we talk weekly on the phone and we have been down to visit her four times since she has moved, but i seriously miss her so much. i miss being able to pack up the kids and head over to her house to chat and have her love on her grandbabies. i miss having someone to talk to about anything in person {i'm not much of a talk-on-the-phone kind of person} and have a place to escape to when i need a break from everything else. so yeah, her leaving was {selfishly} so hard for me. i know she needs to be there for her mom and has her responsibilities with her; if/when the time comes that she needs me, i'd be there too. even if that meant leaving my adult children behind.

so ok, my mom is gone; i have my dad and brother so at least some family is still here.

well a few weeks ago i get a phone call from my mom that my dad has lost his job of twenty two years. yes, you read that right... 22 years! so after a few days of figuring out what to do my dad calls me and tells me that he has decided that it would be too expensive to stay here and that he, too, is going to move down to san diego. in a couple weeks! and as those couple of weeks are growing closer i'm growing intensely sad. wondering what my brother plans to do, i sent him a quick text tonight asking. his reply:

'leaving with him'

we've never been the type of family that has been close. but to know that my whole family will not be here just saddens me. they wont be able to watch my kids grow up {since it will be too far and few in between for visits} and i wont be able to have that organic closeness and conversation with them like i have been able to. my family is leaving me. they're leaving! it sort of feels like i am the parent and my kids are leaving the nest for the first time. ah, abandoned! that's the word. i feel abandoned.

oh how i wish we were in a place to pack up and leave with them too.