today's topic for blog every day in may is things i am most afraid of. these things sort of go hand in hand with the things that make me uncomfortable, but i am only going to touch on a few items rather than give a whole list.
'fear is only as deep as the mind allows' - japanese proverb
i am afraid that my daughter will choose to live with her dad. this fear has been looming the older she gets and i almost had to face it a couple weeks ago when she said she had been thinking about it. now, of course i would never, ever tell her that she cannot live with her father. i would be very supportive in the decision she makes and support him as well. but quite honestly, it has been just bry and i since her dad joined the military and i cannot imagine my life with out her physically in it. right now she has been going through some pretty trying times at school with bullying as well as a lot of hormonal, puberty issues. because she is going through such an important stage in her life where she is discovering who she is, what her body is doing, what these emotions mean, i think it is best she stay with me until high school, at least. when i was going through puberty, i didn't have my mom. she left my dad and i didn't have that choice to be with one parent or the other; i had to be with my dad. and it was hard for him to handle my emotions, moods, starting my period... i needed my mother! because bry has that option to be with either parent, i would hope she understands that being with me is what she needs right now. she has since decided to stay and will reconsider once high school rolls around, but the fear of her changing her mind is still in the back of my head and it immobilizes me at times.
i am afraid of heights. absolutely terrified of them. i can't even go up on a two step ladder without getting the sweats in my hands. it's the strangest thing, though; i am totally afraid of heights, but i have the biggest desire to bungee jump, rock climb [i actually used to rock climb!], and sky dive.
i am afraid of needles. more specifically, i am afraid of getting blood drawn or a shot. i will get holes pierced in my body or tattooed as often as i possibly can, but come near me with a tourniquet, vile, a needle and i will want to punch you in the face. so many people say, when they hear that i am terrified of needles, 'but you have tattoos, piercings'. yes, i know. but i want tattoos and piercings! i do not want someone to draw my blood or give me a shot!
i am afraid of spiders. petrified, really. i used to not be, though. when i was younger and would go camping all of the time with our pathfinders group, i would pick up spiders on hikes, tarantulas even! but when i lived out in the country, i was lying in bed one hot summer day and thought i felt something crawling around my feet. thinking 'oh, it's just in my head', i pull the covers back and holy freaking shiz! there was a ginormous spider crawling around my feet! it's abdomen was huge. ever since then, petrified. if i see a daddy long leg, i will scream. i will scream for my mommy.
i am afraid that someone is going to break in to my home in the middle of the night and murder my family. every night when i go to bed i fret massively over this. most times to the point where i have full blown panic attacks. i will lock every single door in the house, window, everything and still i do not feel secure. i have visions that someone will sneak in to oliver's room first and suffocate him, then head in to brys room and shoot her through her pillow, then head in to my room and kill zooey and richard faster than i know what is going on and then save me for last. i also have visions of my children being either kidnapped or murdered only to me wake up the next morning and they're either gone or slaughtered in their beds. every noise i hear, every creak in the house, and i am 'omg, what was that? someone's in the house!' and i make the wolf get up and scope it out. only to come back and report that the ice maker turned on or the a/c kicked in or the wind blew a leaf on the wall outside. does this fear stem from something that happened to me when i was a child? yes. i will not share what happened, but since then i have lived with this fear and i don't know if i will ever get over it.
what are you afraid of? what do you do or have you done to overcome your fears?